Being a lover of freedom, when the revolution came in Germany, I looked to the universities to defend it, knowing that they had always boasted of their devotion to the cause of truth; but, no, the universities immediately were silenced. Then I looked to the great editors of the newspapers whose flaming editorials in days gone by had proclaimed their love of freedom; but they, like the universities, were silenced in a few short weeks. …

Only the Church stood squarely across the path of Hitler’s campaign for suppressing truth. I never had any special interest in the Church before, but now I feel a great affection and admiration because the Church alone has had the courage and persistence to stand for intellectual truth and moral freedom. I am forced thus to confess that what I once despised I now praise unreservedly.

“Ceremonies are what I enjoyed the most in my school days. I consider myself agnostic, but find Catholic liturgy absolutely wonderful, fascinating and touching. It’s been a long time since I last attended mass, though. I don’t know what it’s like these days.”

I’ve heard tell that the ‘Indian head’ is a ‘racist depiction’ of Native Americans. But it should be obvious that the Indian mascot is not meant to depict present-day Native Americans, so how can this be the case? Native Americans have changed a great deal over the course of history. So have people of all ethnicities. That’s why I’m studying English at Dartmouth College rather than wearing a bearskin and sacrificing holly-crowned virgins to Wotan. That’s why people of Scandinavian descent don’t dust off their battle-axes and sack Minneapolis whenever the Vikings play.

Once, when I was worried that someone would find my money, I taped it under the sofa and forgot about it. Later, when I traded that sofa for a new sofa, I forgot to transfer my taped money to the new sofa. When I found the guy who had my money sofa, I told him I forgot my leg medicine in the cushions and could he please let me find my leg medicine. He said sure, so I retrieved my money and got out of there.

But that’s not all. I also use the leg medicine story to get free admission to the state fair. Every year I tell the admissions guy that I left my leg medicine at the root beer stand. “I need that medicine to live,” I tell him. One year, when the state fair guy got wise and asked me why I take leg medicine, I told him I don’t take leg medicine, and then I punched him in the face.

“A famous Loyalist said that ‘I would rather be ruled by one tyrant 3,000 miles away, than by 3,000 tyrants not a mile away.’ It is the unique genius of our system (given that D.C. is 3,000 miles away from my home here in Los Angeles) that we are able to have both.”

I’d like to thank Field Marshal Rommel for vindicating my life.

A tribute to Otto Clemson Hiss:

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