Bonn Voyage (Column) – 24 June 2005

MITRE READER, I write this, my last Bonn Voyage column, as I recover from a rather nasty shock. Whilst breakfasting this morning, I saw something which nearly caused me to choke on my pain au chocolat. A certain Edinburgh-based newspaper has a column entitled Letter from Cologne, which appears to be not too dissimilar to the Mitre’s much-loved Bonn-centered feature, albeit without the ingenious title. Now, I am an avid reader of the organ in question, and I have never before come across this item, which leads me to believe that it is, in fact, a cheap imitation of my own work. The similarities are just too numerous, right down to the gritty realism that this column strives to represent.

Having regained my composure, I decided to take advantage of the glorious sunshine, which has blessed this part of the country for the best part of a week, and head down to Bad Godesberg. Now I quite often find myself in this particular spa town on many a Saturday morning, as I am keen to escape the crowds that engulf Bonn city centre, but today I had an ulterior motive. I was going to meet a liberal. If any of you have visited the website belonging to this newspaper’s editor, you may have chanced upon an article concerning my departure to Bonn. The article was accompanied by a photo of Angela Merkel, the leader of the Christian Democrats, Germany’s principal opposition party. The photograph was taken by myself at a small rally held before the town’s municipal elections in September. Having now developed a taste for observing German political leaders, you can imagine my joy when I learned that Guido Westerwelle, the leader of the Free Democrats was giving a speech in the city’s southerly suburb.

Now, I must caution those of you who are asking yourself, why this writer, a lifelong conservative – with both upper and lower case c’s – would want to associate myself with the leader of Germany’s equivalent of the Liberal Democrats. Have I donned sandals and started calling for the legalisation of cannabis? Fear not, Mitre reader, I have not departed from my traditional political standpoint, and there is an explanation. The Free Democrats are, in fact, nothing like the British Lib-Dems. They have been moving rightwards since the early 1980s and are the self-styled ‘party of the well-to-do people’. Their use of another moniker, ‘Die Liberalen’ falls foul of trade description legislation in a similar fashion to the parties of John Howard and Junichiro Koizumi. As it turned out, Herr Westerwelle, who resides in the ‘Bohemian’ Altstadt area of Bonn, and is widely tipped to become Foreign Minister in 2007, was giving his speech at 2:00pm, not the 11:00am stated on the hundreds of posters around the city. Misleading and economic with the truth, perhaps Westerwelle’s party is not too different from the Lib-Dems after all.

Despondent, I considered trying to find the house on Wurzelstrasse where a certain Benedict XVI used to live. A quick look on a street map quickly dissuaded me from undertaking such an expedition, especially as I have often walked past one of the Holy Father’s other former residences in the city centre. The election of a new Pope resulted in the ringing of bells at the city’s cathedral, which I live a few hundred yards from. I was most impressed, as the bells started a mere five minutes after the first puffs of white smoke were seen escaping from the Sistine Chapel’s chimney. I did, at the time, wonder if there was a team of campanologists on standby. The fact that the new occupant of the Vatican, taught at the University of Bonn, has given the town more reasons to celebrate.

I had travelled to Bad Godesberg on a mainline train, a journey of four minutes. For some reason, I decided to return to Bonn using the underground. This brings me on to my next topic – subterranean Bonn. The existence of an underground network in a city of Bonn’s size has always struck me as a little odd. Vast stations lie a mere few metres underneath the city, including underneath the vast park in front of the University’s main building. When partaking in games of football, as is customary, one becomes aware of a violent shaking, every time a train passes below. To be fair, the U-Bahn only goes underground for a few stretches and travels above ground for most of the network. Indeed, it travels the 30km between Bonn and Cologne before it links up with the other city’s underground system.

However, trains are not the only thing lurking beneath the streets and squares of Bonn. Most cities in Britain are blighted by enormous car parks. You will not see too many of them here, for they are underground. Wandering through the city centre, you will quickly become aware of people appearing from steps and lifts, and cars ascending ramps at a rather alarming speed. There are at least three major car parks below the city centre, each capable of holding hundreds of cars. As a result, Bonn is relatively free of parked cars and there is no need to concrete over vast tracts of land. Intrigued by this, I decided to investigate. Whilst stocking up on provisions in Kaufhof’s basement food hall, I noticed a door. Being the naturally inquisitive soul that I am, I went through the door and found myself in one of these underground car parks and what an interesting place it turned out to be. Much to my surprise, I discovered that these car parks are on several levels allowing the good people of Bonn to park there Audis and BMWs that little closer to the earth’s crust.

As I intimated above, this is to be my last column, as the St Andrews term draws to a close and you lucky people will shortly be beginning your holidays. I, on the other hand, have barely started my second semester and will be here until the end of July. So while you are hiking through the Andes; building schools in Namibia; or whatever else it is that the typical Mitre reader does in his or her summer holidays, spare a thought for this writer who will be stuck in a classroom in deepest Germany struggling to give a presentations on subjects as diverse as Luxembourg’s role in the Yugoslav Wars, and paedophilic connotations in Through the Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll. It’s been a most enjoyable year, and I hope that those of you who have followed the trials and tribulations of life in Germany, have shared in my joy. Until we meet again, may I bid you all a Bonn Voyage.

Vol. III, No. 6, June 24, 2005